jedi.tricks

K.O.

and his face was so familiar.

a noise outside alerts me and i suddenly panick.
but it's no surprise, since in dreams, emotional rationality isn't always an option.
Nervous, i pace to my front door, cracking it slowly to the darkness outside.
It must be around midnight.
His silhoutte, even blacker than the night that frames him, startles me and i quickly step back in the door frame. My hand pushes in front of me to close the door, but he grabs it gently and quickly takes it to his lips, cool as he holds them to my skin. Looking up, his eyes catch in the street light; his smell dancing on the breeze. A smile instantly appears on my lips, and i pull him through the door frame, to me.
And he is there, wrapping himself around and inside of my arms. clinging and holding all in one. We stay that way, entangled in each others limbs and smells. Pulled together to form the smallest ball we can, as if we were to cram ourselves into one small space, we would somehow find the closeness we seek. At some point, my sides begin to shake from giggles. I grab his hands, linking them with mine and we sit together, talking like old times. laughing. going back to the days when we were the best of friends...jokingly he unwraps a string from his wrist, dangling it in front of me in challenge. Deftly, i tangle my fingers in the string coming up with the beginnings of cat's cradly. a familiar game. as he is familiar.
it stays like this, filling me with warmth, until my eyes flutter and open to an empty house.
no traces of him. because he was never here. never apart of this place or time.
and yet, i can still smell him in this room and on my skin.

cody called tonight.
cody.
and it all came rushing back.
how attached i was to him.
and how eager i was to see him smile.

just hearing his voice made me smile.
it's been years since.. we talked.
voice to voice.

we haggled over his need for a visit.
like two old withered friends
still fighting in the prime of their lives.
his last words:
"i miss miss you. I love you."
i love you too, cody.heart.


how i could just run away with him.
and i love him.
but not.
in that way.

or maybe.
specifically in that way.
because his smile
makes me smile.
and i was never afraid to let him go.
because he was too beautiful to ever be mine.
like angels that come into your life..
leaving moments and smiles
that you never forget
before they move on again.
never yours.
just so happy that for that moment
you caught their eye.
and all you can hope for them
is that they find someone
as equally enthralling,
as equally mysterious.
as equally marvelous.

these angels.
they come and go
and they never really realize
they imprints they leave behind.

oh, but they are treasured.
like pockets of sunshine
on a rainy day.



thank you, cody.heart.
for making me smile.
:)

this movie is so amazing...

Today is a big day for America. 2 million people are going to show up on the lawn of the white house to see the first black president sworn into office. But we all know that. Just like we know the steps were built by slaves and that by his acceptance into office, we start a whole new chapter of the american dream. A hopeful one. Yet, this inauguration is going to cost 3 times what bush's cost, and THAT was the most expensive in history. Does it help that a lot of the excess cost is picked up by rich big wigs? some of who we are helping to bail out with our hard earned tax dollars? Is it really a spark of change if we are spending this money on a celebration, when our economy needs every bit of stimulation it can get? Yes. This does create jobs and a sense of patriotism. But is it a balance? Is it the right foot to get started on?

He can't fix everything. That should be a given, i would suppose. However, the obama-rama attitude has taken foot and nothing will get it down. That's not to say that we shouldn't have hope or that we shouldn't scream it from the rooftop. Just that we should be realistic about our hope. My dad actually reminded me of something that Ronald Reagan said in his inaugural address.. "The government cannot fix your problems. The government IS the problem." And here we are 40 years later, turning to our government to fix things. The only difference is that for the first time, our government is actually asking something of us as citizens. To stand up, dust off our neighborhood pride, and learn to be a citizen again. Go out and learn to share. Don't fear your neighbor. Make friends. Seems so simple, but is it?

You also can't underestimate the power of today either. Cynicism is a great thing, but only to the point before it crosses over into being just as blind as trust. My dad also said something along the lines of "a black guy could have been elected anytime within the last 20 years." Implying that the equality issue of the first black man fulfilling the ultimate american dream is really of no significance. I disagree. It is amazing to me that it has taken this long, yes. but really, truthfully, and perhaps horribly, it takes the passing on (and yes i mean death) of a generation, to kill out things like racism, because it is a hate and fear that is highly engrained. A good deed is easy to forget, but a bad one is burn on the skin forever. It took the passing of my grandparents generation and my parents generation coming into power to see an african american man to take presidential office. And really it has nothing to do with the color of his skin, but his ability to move people and motivate them into an activist approach at a hopeful future.


I am so hopeful today. But also so skeptical.
he isn't our savior.
but he is a spark of hope.
he is a reminder
that things can overcome.


good luck mr obama.
may the force be with you.
you will need every bit of it.

Went to the oral surgeon guy today.
nice little office.
all my dr's are like on one street.
i find that amusing.
i also know that i will never drive down that street for pleasure anymore.
haha

Apparently my top wisdom teeth are growing pretty straight down but flared out to the side, which causes the pain i feel in my jaw.. or rather pressure. because when they flare out they are pushing against my lower jaw bone where the two overlap and connect. However, they could easily be taken out with local anesthetic.
Now my bottom wisdoms are whole other issue. they are completely sideways. although higher than most, so there is less chance of any nerve damage. I will have to be put under though. which scares me a little. I am not so keen on this idea of having an IV. If it is just a shot. cool. but if its an IV. i think i might panic a little. I am also curious if i do it at the office or hospital? I dunno. I am still waiting to find out about cost and all that. Although I am pretty sure dad is gonna pay for it if insurance doesn't. just because i need it. I think mom is gonna come out and take care of me. And i am gonna take a sick day so that i can have a little longer of a weekend since i obviously won't be feeling so hot.

hmmm....

i've been really down lately.
and i super hate it.

( just a little wanking.. )

they are fixing up the place next door
cus creepy lady whosetthehouseonfire
moved out.
yay.
but its loud.
and i can't sleep.

so.
because i need to distractions.
i have decided to provide all of you with some of my favorite things lately...

( the important youreallyshouldlookatthis stuff. i mean it. )

so my online book of shadows has gained 47 viewers in the last three days.
*smile*

im liking this being more open thing.


now if i can just find some people locally
who arent weird or creepy.


HA.

first off...

work..
So far so good. One of the directors talked to the boss and he said we were done laying off for OUR department. which. yay! but still. scary.


SBIFF..
so im gonna volunteer with the Santa Barbara film fest. Its something i have wanted to do every year and never done it. so. game on.
I am trying to figure it out with my wisdom teeth removal. cus im not sure when that will get scheduled but i want it asap... the film fest is jan 22 - feb 1 tho.
soooooo.
i will know on monday tho.


saturday full moon..
so as part of my new years resolution to be more open about my beliefs.
saturday is a full moon.. which means an evening of meditating, good food, music, and fun.
but also some serious stuff too.
this is the time of year for new beginnings. sloughing off the old and regrowing the new.
and there is a lot of baggage of the past year that i want to happily cast off.
so between that and some personality traits that i want to mellow down,
i am going to do some of that as well.
any friends in the vtown area are welcome to come for the post ritual festivities
which include yummy food, energy workings and tarot readings.
:)
Just let me know so i have enough food for all!!



well i started to feel less sick this morning.
but noow.
its coming back.
time for bed.

<3

they are laying off people at work.

I got in today
and the head of our little department
informed me that they are laying off people.
I guess they laid off 4 people this past day..
and there are apparently more to come tomorrow.

Unless they cut on-air hours
i should be okay.
There are two part-timers in our department.
So they would go first.
Then, from there.. i cover the nightshift.. with very little overlap
plus i never try to get overtime out of them (they hate that)
and i do tapes for 4 of 7 news shows 4 of 7 days of the week.

IF they DO cut hours... like no more overnights,
I would probably have to take hour cuts MAYBE
and probably have to work weekends.


sooo.
sadly.
this affects a lot of things.
because.
there really aren't a lot of jobs out there right now.
on top of that, my parents pay my rent and that is mostly due to WHERE i live.
Dad comes up here for business so he stays with me instead of getting a hotel.
so the situation helps him.. thus why he is willing to pay my rent.

so without jobs to really be had..
and without a job, i cant ask my parents to dish out money for me to stay here..
sooo
i will probably have to move back home for a while.
at least until i find something that will work or what not.

BUT NOTHING YET.
i still have my job.
and i will happily keep it until i get laid off.
and figure it out from there.

but.
guh.
i don't feel good.
and this doesnt help.
booo.

i feel like crud.
mostly just.
energy-less
but also
scratchy throat
and a little stuffiness.

guh.
i just want to be cuddled.

i also don't feel like thats a lot to ask.

not after a really hard year
of being all alone
in that respect.

soooooo tired.
seriously.


but it was great having fibs around today.
kept my chin up.

seriously.


and i am sooo sooo tired.
all i am going to do tomorrow is sleep.


on the upside.
i get my class settlement money in feb.
:)
maybe it will be more than 20 bucks.


i doubt it.

that i should be wary
of what i lust after.

things.

people.


because
i may be wanting
for the sake
of wanting
something.

anything.


and in the end,
they said
i should look closer.


is it really what i want?


....

i thought yes.

this could really be
something


but
now
my heart
and head
agree.


move on.

there is nothing for you here







for those of you who want to read more about my tarot readings
go to
http://saress.livejournal.com/

i took a look
back into the
past

and found these
snapshots
of smiles
and times.



( i just wanted to share them. )

I'm not really sure how i feel about making "resolutions".. mostly because when i resolve to do something, is the minute i officially lose interest. So perhaps the best way to put this is my list of things i promise to do my best at....hahaha...


( no resolutions.. just the promise to try... )
go 2009!!!

i have no idea what i have gotten myself into
but my god.
my project list for christmas is soooo loong.
goodness.
i hope i make it through it all.
just a rough list:

mom and dads family tree wood project

my sister's sister wood project
then for her and her husband one of their family, and one of each kid.

for the kids, i am making a little video and some dress up boxes.

then for general family members, i am going to print the family picture that i took of everyone, and then any individual pictures of them. Put them in like a little matte envelope if i can find them.

then. its stuff for the friends.
three bigger projects.
and then two kinda easy ones.


AND I ONLY HAVE TWO WEEKENDS between now and when i leave.
which.
i want to be done before i leave.
maybe minus one or two of the projects for friends.


guh.
if i get through all this.
i am going to buy myself something nice with my tax returns!!!

wow.

turkey day weekend was.. epic.
at the very least.
( turkey durkey )
it was the best turkey day in years.

seriously.
years.

ugh.
i leave in like.. less than 12 hours..
and i want to leave sooner.

but i know that's a bad idea..
i should get some sleep before i get in the car
for the worlds most boring 6 hour drive.
I also probably won't be able to pick up the lights that i am getting
till at least 1.
so.
boooo.

i just want to be there.
and relaxing.
and grubbing on food.
and being laaaaazy.
and just.
a mini vacation!

i am totally coming home on sunday.
hopefully in the morning-ish..
and i am leaving with a clean house..
soooo
hopefully i can come back on sunday and spend the rest of the weekend
playing WoW and just.. enjoying.

i just hope all this feels relaxing.
and not like i am on the go the whole time.
and i hope it goes by SLOWLY.
very very slowly.


but that's never how it works.

i mentioned to our "pseudo" manager today about my switching to days
to see if he had talked to our boss about it...
I guess so far it looks like i am not gonna get what i requested.
which.
i know i am being picky.

basically.
what i want is what i have now..
only day times.

and this shift exists... everyday.
it's just that those people don't want to give up their shift.
sooooo.

so yeah.
what i want is 4 days consecutive with 10 hour shifts.
That way i can still have a 3 day weekend..
for many reasons..
i commute.. and don't make enough to come up here 5 days a week.
I want to be able to take classes, travel, and work on PA'ing in LA
on my days off that way while I am at a stale mate at my job (since there is a LINE to move up.. a line that has nothing to do with seniority or talent or qualifications)so at least on my days off i can expand my brain or experience level or something.

anyways.
so i think that if i don't get the schedule i ask for that i am just gonna stay on nights.
otherwise
they want to make it so that i would work 1 or 2 nights a week.. then have 2 days as a day shift?
um. no. my body CANNOT handle that. sorry.
then on top of that since i wont be strictly on overnights i would be available to be called in if they need someone..
so.
no.
there would be no benefits to me..
and since i can barely pay rent.
i need the time to have another job.. or at least a second source of income.
so i would just keep my night shift and look for another job. i'm sure it will take me a bit to find one. so no immediate shift. but i am gonna put myself out there.
see if anything better can come along.



yeah.
BALJSLSJGLSDGJ:SLDJ

stupid people.

anyways.
deep breath.
i am just..
letting it go.

is
sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

ugh.

so tired.

ALL THE TIME.

and so over it.